Stopped drinking only to drink more then did more coke after spending a tired day eating and recovering during the day yesterday.
Did some lines went to bed and woke up today to a nice sunny warm day while feeling perfectly fine and way better than I normally do.
The mind like the body forgets goodness/good feelings so it requires reminders at times, at least for me.
Meaning by crashing myself my body becomes aware of a horrible feeling while then maximizing the good feeling right after.
It really makes no logical sense which is why I have been a medical/scientific/artistic wonder since birth.
I think it’s just the Holy blood flowing through my veins which gives me more natural immunities and resistances against actual harm from whatever I ingest/do/think/feel. ⁂
I did 6 last night and somehow by some stupid curse, here I am.
This would be so much easier and painless with a gun.
Simple click and bang shows over finally.
I have no clue why people want to live longer, 33 is already too long for me let alone past 65.
That’s still 32 years from now if that were a set date, I can’t last that long, that’s way too much. ⁂
Then it all depends on surroundings including people surroundings as well.
Society can’t just label every user based on just the horror stories.
Since when you take my personal stories of years of drug use and abuse of them.
It paints a totally different picture than the one most are used to.
I stopped drinking for years, started again at 30 and have shown the asshole that comes out when mixed with this scenario of creating through basically living online.
Now I switched to periodic use of cocaine and already we see my negative side begin to fall apart.
The difference is that it will not work the same for everyone.
For others alcohol makes them kind and cocaine makes them become assholes including past certain limits of whatever ones.
For example, up to three drinks I am fine, after 3 I am super ego man which can go whichever way from there between negative and positive.
Where as Cocaine I do it, sit down, shut the fuck up and watch movies for a bit.
Only to feel refreshed the next day while continuing to create a love story instead of a hate story.
It’s easier for me to nurse chemical drugs let alone start and stop them on command than it is smoking cigarettes and marijuana.
For many people it’s the other way around but for me I would need a form of rehab to get off those basic things.
Which then all ties back into surroundings and positive atmosphere, feeling accomplished and happy with one’s choices etc….
I can go on and on all day about trying to crack the “best solution” for myself and others.
Which boils down to the point of nothing being just black and white, there is a major grey area of what’s causing what, why, where and when plus how.
Like I mentioned to a doctor one time.
The war on drugs is actually creating way more negative issues than simply working with the drugs instead of against them.
Which is what I do as I continue creating all this through various addictions I have retook on in order to properly explain the situations at hand for all of humanity, not just east or west. ⁂
Someone you almost wish you never met because now my life is completely fucked. ⁂
I met people for 30 years only to circle right back around into secluding myself inside again.
I appreciate and love them for being friends and lovers for me in the past but they weren’t what/who I desired.
Some are lonely for sad reasons, I am purposely lonely for love reasons.
Then they say love sickness is not a thing?
Over the last few years I quit my job, sold off all my extras, cut my bills, retired onto medical disability and have secluded myself inside a basement since.
Only 5 people have actually really seen me or spoken to me outside of here since 2015.
It’s one of those that if killing myself would guarantee that I woke up with Coleman?
I would have done it long ago. ⁂ “The poison and the cure”
All other doctors, priests, family, lovers, friends, cops and whatever else have failed?
There is only one clearly obvious solution.
I am the way I am to put up with the life I have now, which is a simple fix. ⁂ “Shielding”
I don’t get high or drunk like others do…It just makes me feel normal. ⁂